virtual cigars and frye's vagina

so i am an uncle now twice over. jasper james meyerson has found himself thrust into my family's strange little world and if there was any question my brother has been in l.a. too long go re-read that kid's name. zander and now jasper. the suffix brothers. i imagine the schoolyard taunts will be something like that. hey, suffix brothers, how's about you form nouns to designate persons from the object of their occupation or labor. that'll hurt.
the larger picture here is that i just realized how late a start my brother got on this making me an uncle thing. i'm almost 38. that means by the time of competitive 2 on 2 basketball or doubles tennis i will be, wait for it, i'm about to type this, here it comes, look away if you are not willing to know the truth.....51!. 50-fucking-1. my brother will be 58. these little punks are going to destroy us. fuck, i need to start working on my game.
part 2: frye got his stitches out the other day and his cone removed in a touching cone removal ceremony yesterday. he is now free to pursue his new life as a woman. time to change the pronouns i guess. let's all make this as easy on him as possible by buying him little kitty tu-tu's and flaunting our penises.

yes, maria, tv is back in my life

and, yes, maria, that means i've neglected my blog. it's true what they say about tv but i don't care. i love letting my brain go to mush every now and then. perhaps i'm letting down my fans. but i can't take my eyes off of that blue glow emanating from my living room.
that said, let's talk about a roommate philosophy. i have some and here's one: when purchasing things that are unimportant (at least aesthetically) go with the most ugly so as to not get confused as to which are yours. specifically, buy the bright orange and/or yellow towel(s). if you come home and your canary yellow towel is damp you know one of two things: your roommate is colorblind or a dick.
also, i was posting a picture of maria in my somewhat mismatched yet totally out of character for me addidas sweats (go to her myspace page to mock her) and i thought of our modern blossoming relationship. it goes as follows: first, we openly flirted with each other through coy comments. then i sent her a let's go out tonight message after months of not crossing her path organically. after a few dates we cracked each other's top whatever. things were heating up. but you know things are for real when statuses change from single to in a relationship. but tell me what this means: maria is now my number 1 but i am 2 behind her brother. should i be worried?

dare to dream big i always don't say

i had a revelation while in california. maybe just a dream. let's call it an idea. it came to me like a bolt of lightening and i had to share it with maria regardless of whether or not she was talking to me about, well, whatever she talks to me about. you see, when i have a bold vision of my future it trumps all. ready? here it is: i am going to find the definitive biography on led zeppelin and then read it. see, i have hammer of the gods but i'm talking something more. i want to get inside the music and the circumstance and really be able to bore the shit out of my friends. as you all know, when i have a plan nothing can stop me from following through with it. it's like i see my future and can't wait to get there. so i ordered this book and someday it will come in the mail and maybe i'll read it or it'll sit by my bed for months acting as a $20 coaster. either way, i have dramatically altered the course of my life once again in a bold, decisive way. yep

you are the adopted phillipino child of trader joe's

we have a new "quirky" regular. fat and bald with a slight queer speaking voice, one shoe soon to be opened toed, this guy comes in with a suitcase and the gift of boring gab. the thing is, his addition has just felt forced and unnatural. he's poorly written and two dimensional. we've been down this road before. where did he come from? why all of a sudden is in the store almost every day? these questions could pose an interesting mystery. instead it's like he was dropped into the narrative mid-scene with nothing to say. there he is, smelling a bit sour trying to engage customers and staff in conversation. i can't even build up a true hatred. there is nothing compelling about his presence. hopefully he'll be gone as quickly as he came, a failed attempt to keep the tj's storyline fresh. months from now someone will try to remind me and i'll have wrack my brain just to get a fuzzy picture in my head. yeah, whatever happened to that guy? he'll be sitting on a park bench thinking the very same thing.